I still don’t get the concept of friendship and why it remains very difficult to fully grasp. One minute, it feels like you have known someone for an eternity, and in the next minute, it breaks your heart to realize that you haven’t really met that soul.
The thought of how one turn of event could change everything you believed you knew about someone is very scary, and I begin to wonder if by one word or one act, a trust or companionship is destroyed, why then do we expose our hearts so terribly wide for such disaster? Or are we not meant to freely enjoy the very thing we say we have and like without fear?
Sometimes, mornings and nights, I sit on my bed, romancing the thoughts of all the moments with friends I say I have acquired through the years. Laughing so uncontrollably at the memories that tickles my fleshy heart. Most times I feel the joys, the enjoyable pains, and the avoidable agonies I had accumulated and somehow stored as I aged. Most times I mutter a silent prayer, hoping, no wishing I don’t wake up to reality. And the reality is not the heaviness of heart when my eyes are open to the fact that I am all alone in my room, occupying a small corner of the world, but the sharp pains across the chest when I realize that time and life has happened to everyone.
Tell me, does this mean we are somehow ill-fated to have people invade our feeble lives, creating a spark or a deep well of happiness from a huge catalogs of shared moments, and then take a walk out as we try so frantically hard to hold it all together? Or are we so powerless to resist the urge of immersing ourselves in the lake of emotions, unsure of what sea creatures swim underneath, and when the day is over, for whatever reason, the very thing we thought was a harmless feeling turns out to be a flesh eating monster with jaws and claws?
Or maybe something is fundamentally wrong with our lives, my life.
I will be back….. or not.