Guest Blog. The Search.

Originally posted by http://justwords2397.wordpress.com

Every day I wander here and there in search of something which is yet unknown to me, which seems mine but is away from me. However this quest of mine takes me nowhere, every way I go brings me back to the start again. The drowning sun brings ahead my failures and as and the day ends, the dark night appears my quest fails. Lost and tired I reach an old but a pleasant place, where the flickering light and the broken bench greets me along with the twinkling stars . I sit on the bench and enjoy the silence of time and the environment and desperately wait for my sleeping fate to awake.

The sorrow of my failed quest and loneliness grows stronger and deeper with the darkness in and around me. In between all of this I think to myself, that, “What is it I search for and why am I so restless without it”.  My only companion in this lonely time, my shadow also leaves my hand when the light goes off and leaves the place even darker and quieter. Before this darkness grows upon me and make things more miserable for me I try and find my way through it and somehow I manage to find my way and hence I carry my disappointments and failures  home.  Before I end the day completely I burry my desire to find this “something” and try to forget it forever and ever.

When every morning the raging but beautiful sun wakes all it also gives power to my trembling hope and  awakens my desire to find this “something” I look for.  I get up with refreshed excitement and stronger faith which takes me on this quest once again and this new faith doesn’t permits me to give upon my search.

I have never known what family is, I am an orphan and I have stayed alone almost all my life. The only support I ever had was of my friends but however when a fire broke out it destroyed our home and all that was left of it were ashes and hence time parted our ways. We all went to different places and my only support was taken away from me and since then my search began. However nothing satisfies my desire, I have been wandering around these places, walked on different roads but this “something” has never crossed my path.

Wandering about several places, today again I reach the start, tired I praise the blowing winds and quietly sit on the bench gazing at the sky in search of some stars that may enlighten my fate. However today I am not alone who enjoys this silence. A stranger’s footstep diverted  my attention and when I look up to see. I see an old man with wrinkled face and smoke grey hair, his eyes shine with despair, grief and pain about which one can’t even speak and his hands show the experience of his life. He smiles and greets me and I smile back at him to welcome him in this silent environment.  He holds a book and a bunch of dried flowers in his hands, which once used to be beautiful and provided a sweet smell. He makes place for himself and his pretty flowers and reads the book in his hand. Quietly and slowly the time passes. Soon the light goes off and I prepare to leave, I wait for the old man to make a move but he sits there still and noticing me wait for him he smiles again and smells his flowers. Since he makes no move and sits there still I leave my curiosities and questions unanswered and leave for home before it gets darker.

My visitor seemed a strange but a wise man. His presence made me realise that I am not the only one facing this darkness in life but I am just another person facing it. As the days passed by I saw the man again and again and each time I saw him he increased my curiosities but my questions dint find any answers. He always greeted me with a smile and sat until the dark turned in mesmerising morning.

One day my curiosity overpowered my hesitation which forced me to  find the answers to my question and hence I decided to talk to the wise old man. The next day when he met me and adjusted himself in his seat I said, “Excuse me sir, can I please talk to you.” In response to my question he nodded his head and gave his approval to carry the conversation forward. I was thinking where to begin from when he solved my problem and asked me, “Do you wish to know something my child?’’

“Yes sir”. I replied and. I began with the list of my questions after that.

“Sir, you come here every day with your book and these flowers and you sit here till the morning arrives. Sir what is the use of sitting here when you can’t read anything after the only source of light also goes off and the place is left complete  dark.”

My child, this place is not left dark after the light goes off, in fact it never is dark here, there is always sufficient light to please one.”

Where sir? Where is this light you are talking about I don’t see anything. I said.

My child don’t you look at the beautiful shining stars above and the moon which over powers the dark sky with its brightness. These little equipments of nature always lights this place up, we just have to see it.  I can’t read anymore but yet I feel delighted to be here and admire these stars and then see a new day come up. My child now may I ask you a question? He said.

Yes sir.

He asked, “Why do you run away when the light goes off my child”.

Sir with all due respect, for me the only source of light here is that lamp and when it goes off it becomes even quiter and this darkness rules upon the entire place destroying its beauty and hence I leave. It scares me sir and makes me feel powerless. I feel its effects in and around me; I see it everywhere hence before it starts controlling me  I leave. I replied to which he said,

My friend, the more you run from it the more it will follow you and the more it will grow upon you. For you this darkness is a symbol of your failures and losses in life and hence it scares you but if you face it then one day it will all disappear my child and no matter how dark the night is, it always has to end when the bright sun comes up and clears the sky. You will always find the world dark if you close your eyes, unless you don’t open them how will you see the pretty light of hope, love, faith and happiness scattered all over. I hope I have satisfied you with my answer son.

His every word made perfect sense to me and in excitement I asked him another question.

Sir why do you come here every day, do you look for something as well?

Before I answer your question son, I would like to know from you my child, why do you come here?

Sir, I carry my sorrows here after facing all the failures of the day, I come here to enjoy this silence and peace I get. I look for something and in search of that I wander here and there but in the end I reach here and sometimes I believe that my search will end right here, I will find that something here and nowhere else but the irony is I don’t know what I look for. I said.

My child, I hope you find your something soon he said with a fine smile on his face. I come here to mourn and to celebrate.

I dint get you sir. To mourn and to celebrate? After my question, the lines on his forehead grew deeper and his eyes were overwhelmed with grief and pain. He closed his eyes and let a few tears flow, it seemed like in those few moments he lived a painful past again. After a few seconds he opened his eyes, wept his tears to answer.

Sir I am sorry I dint mean to hurt you, you don’t have answer this. I said.

No young man it’s okay.  I come here to celebrate the happiness of love my friend and to mourn for the loss of that love. Allow me to share this story with you. He said and I moved my eyes in response to give my approval.  Then he began….

I had everything one could ask for, fortune of my parents, good friends and a name in the city. My life was good rather better than good, though I was always surrounded by people who loved me but I still felt alone. Somehow my parent’s fortune and my friends’ company dint satisfy me and the emptiness I felt in life. My life was on hold till she came to make it beautiful and happier.

It was the day of 29th September when I saw her for the first time on this very mountain top, on this very hill. She looked so beautiful that I couldn’t get my eyes off her. Her cheeks were slightly pink and she had big eyes with red lips and her hair, they always fell on her face and she used to remove them very gently.  I just wished to stand there and see her like this till time parts our ways, suddenly I had found the peace I had always searched for and this very mountain top became my favourite place in the city.

She was continuously looking at her watch, I assumed that she was waiting for someone and then it started raining and rain just added to the beauty of this entire thing. She dint have an umbrella so I went to her and offered her mine. She hesitated first but then she took it and left. Her departure was taking my heart away from me, I had this weird feeling in me which said that, “Don’t let her go” but she went. Since then I came here every day with the hope that I would see her again.

Days passed by but my luck dint favour me but one day as I was about to give up all my hope, I saw her.  She came like pleasant wind and made my heart race again.  That was the time I decided that I won’t let her go again and made the first move. She was like a wish come true, we were so happy in our world; you see that house there, that used to be our house.  She decorated each and every corner of that house from her beautiful hands.

Then what happened sir? I asked in excitement.

Then, then we got married in the city church. We made a perfect couple. I remember all the vows which I made to her but I never stood up to any of those. I vowed to be her with her in sickness and in health but I left her when she needed me the most. I vowed to be honest with her and hold her hand forever but I lied to her always. I vowed to keep her happy and take all her responsibilities but I only managed to gift her tears. She never complained, she adjusted with everything, accepted whatever I gave her and in return all she wanted was a little love, all she expected was a little maturity. She just wanted me to become a little responsible. That’s all. It was entirely my mistake, I dint value her love or respect her so god dint consider anything before punishing me.

Punishment?

Yes. She left forever, she dint even think about me once and I don’t blame her for that but I wish that I could explain myself, I could justify my action once though whatever I did dint deserve any justification, it was a very pathetic, cowardly and stupid thing to do. I still don’t know how it happened and why it happened.

But sir dint you try to get her back? True love always comes back and looks beyond all our mistakes…

No matter, how many efforts I make but she is not going to comeback.

But why? What was this punishment exactly?

The punishment I deserved. After my parents death, I lived on the fortune they left me with and never took any interest in business, soon the business declined and we came under debts and the fortune left by parents wasn’t enough to cover them. Even after all this I dint get matured, I just relaxed thinking that we still have enough to live for years. Our debt increased, and finally one day she lost all her control and the damp of her patience broke. She came to me and asked me to something and with every word she said I felt she challenged my ego and then we had the biggest fight. Her harsh words made a direct attack on self-respect and crushed my power to think, I was at fault but yet I blamed her for everything . Irritated with this  I decided to do something that would prove my worth to her and hence I sold our house. Because of my stupidity the only thing we had to protect ourselves had now gone. She got furious and said more insulting words which again charged at my worthless ego and I don’t know how it happened. I never wanted it to happen but it happened.

What happened sir?

I don’t know how could I do it but I slapped her, how I raised my hands on her and why because my worthless ego became more important for me. After that she dint say anything, she just left the house upset and angry. I dint follow her that time, I just let her go. A few hours passed but she dint return so I left the house in her search and ended up here. She sat on this very bench and cried her heart out.  I dint know how to talk to her and justify my actions.  I saw a man there, selling some flowers so I bought them and gave it to her but they weren’t enough. She saw me and greeted me with a painful smile and said, “I think this was a big mistake. I don’t think that this can work out anymore.”  Her words broke my heart into million pieces, but I also knew that she was more hurt than I was.  So I just hid my tears in my eyes and stood up thinking what is it that I can say to get her back, to make her trust me again. But I couldn’t say a word, I just looked at her and thought that time will heal her wounds but I wish I knew that time alone cannot heal her, she needed me also .

She expected me to say something, to fight for her or at least tell her, show her that how much I love her, she expected me to say that whatever it is we will it fight it together and I will stand by her but I dint open my mouth, I just stood there.

She stood up and for a few seconds my heart beats stopped. She walked till that railing, there and looked at me. That day I dint see love for me in her eyes, I saw betrayal that I had give her. She waited for me to say something, her tears begged me, but I stood there still. After a few moments when she turned and saw me again, then I walked up to her and she took these flowers from my hands and said, “Today these flowers have lost the fragrance they once used to have, you won’t feel its importance now, but one day when you sit all alone holding them then you may realise how important the smell of these flowers were.” I dint understand what she meant and then she just jumped, I tried to  hold her hand and she asked me to let go, I dined but  then she said that if I loved her enough I will let go. I remained speechless and just cried and tried to pull her up, I told her that I love her a lot but now it dint matter as she had managed to release her hand.

She always had one small wish and it was to be happy before she dies, happy enough to have a smile on her face and  she did smile but her smile wasn’t the smile of her happiness it was the smile of her pain. After she jumped people came, and asked me about everything and I just said that I pushed her. I was imprisoned, but my lawyer proved that it was an accident and not murder, an accident which happened because of my carelessness. Hence I was imprisoned but not for long.

That night, when you saw me was the night of her death and also our marriage anniversary. I came here in her memory and I came here to celebrate our anniversary with her.

Sir,  why did you tell everyone that you murdered your wife? You tried save her.

Who said, I wasn’t saving her I was trying to save myself and I did murder her. Because of me  she became so depressed that she took her own life it was murder indeed. I understood the meaning of her last words when I spent my time in prison alone.

What did her last words mean sir?

Her last words meant, he said in a low voice.

She was a brilliant writer, it was her passion. She always dreamt, that even if she can’t become the best writer, at least her words will show  a lost person direction. Give them hope and power to fight. That’s all she ever wanted and she wrote this book. She spent her entire life and hard work on it, everything she had she put in this. But when the time came to put it in front of the world then she planned to disappear from the world. They found it in her things. I have read this so many times and each time I read it I feel a little closer to her. I see her glimpse in the book’s characters. It’s because of this book that I came know she is pregnant. There was a letter in it which said it all. She wanted to tell me this the night we fought but she couldn’t I never gave her the chance to. Sometimes, one word, one moment is all that it takes to change everything you have. However the change depends on you.

.See its dark already, don’t you wish to leave?

No sir,  not today.

Son, is your quest over? Do you know now what you search for? He asked.

No sir, my quest will get over the day I know about this thing I search for.

He smiled after listening to me and said, “I believe you dint find your answer in my story.”

I was puzzled and then seeing me he asked me, “Son do you know, why I still smell these flowers?”

Because this is the last thing you have of the person you loved.

Yes and no.

Sorry sir?

This is not the last thing I have of her, I still have her memories and love alive in me. I not only smell these flowers because this is the last thing that I have.  Sometimes I try to find out that if the smell she talked about has returned or not.  The sweet fragrance  she talked about is the fragrance of love. We all are alone and incomplete without it. She was right, one day I’ll be all alone wishing to get this love back which I destroyed from my own hands, I’ll understand the importance of it. Son it is love that you search for. You are incomplete and alone without it al of us are but I wish that you find it soon and your search is complete. Just remember, whenever you find it,  do respect it. Love is a beautiful thing.

Saying that he prepared to leave and then I never saw him again. He did manage to complete his wife’s last wish. He published her book and I went on the book launch also but I dint see him there, in fact after that I never saw him again. I did find my love and it’s a funny thing that I found it on that very book launch.

One more thing that attracts my attention is, that old man helped me complete my search, calmed all my insecurities and taught me how to look at life and the various problems we face with a different angle and I dint even ask his name. I don’t even know his name. I believe somethings remain nameless, like this story.

it’s a beautiful world.

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