I don’t really have much friends (to be blunt, I don’t even have any friend), and this is not because I feel like I don’t need them, but because I know I won’t be able to hold unto them for so long, maybe longer than they tolerating me.
Yes, I know I have heard that saying, “surround yourself with people that will accept you for who who you are”, but to be candid, in the real world, you will hardly, if not never, find someone who will put up with your inconsistencies for eternity. And this is not because I can’t create room for adjustments or compromise, or because I can’t prove how worthy I am to be in someone’s life or they in mine, no, rather it is simply because the moment you find yourself in a position where you have to always prove your worth to those who are around you, just know, you have begun to lose value.
Maybe this is pride or blunt arrogance, me making excuses for my inadequacies, but the truth is, these days, it is becoming increasingly stressful to keep a open mind to certain things and certain people:and there is just that ‘problem’ of keeping an open mind, people tend to think that they can dump anything in it and expect you to be calm with it. Moments like this makes me question myself, “What is my worth”? and when I do, I become something else.
I am on the path of reinventing myself (the last invention wasn’t successful), and while I know I will be making tough choices and a affecting a lot of people, I am also scared. I am so scared I will be the loneliest person on earth, even with so much people around me, I am scared no one will reach for me.
This is scary, but I don’t know if there is another path to self-discovery.