I stood by the graveside as I watched a sixteen year old girl erupt in tears over the early demise of her parents. Sobbing uncontrollably, she buried her head in the embrace of a family friend, as she emptied the contents of her heart in tears, without words, probably wishing she could join them on their journey of no return. Having been where she was, and by now a little more familiar with the process of dealing with the pains of losing someone, I could totally understand what she felt. Words wouldn’t be enough to quantify the catastrophic effects it had on Her.
But I could only smile because I once knew this lady.
At sixteen, one obviously see the rebellious acts she had put up against her parents, and she was in nowhere near being on the same page with her parents. It was like she lived everyday antagonizing everything her parents did or say, and most times when I did get a wind of the situation, being that I was the next door neighbor, I become perplexed at the way she reasoned. Well, her excuse was they don’t seem to understand her and all she prayed for was for the day she would finally be set free from their claws. Well, it happened, and who was I to judge?
I shook my head as I recounted those moments she would yell at them, telling them how she wish she belonged to someone else other than them, those moments she would scream “I hate you”, those moments she spent hating them. I could only shake my head as I watched her wail profusely, muttering how much she missed them. A part of me felt a little bit disgusted at her, a part of me felt maybe she deserved whatever pain she was going through, but a part of me wished I could embrace her, telling her it would be okay. I decided to remain under the tree as I watched the proceedings from there.
While she went around greeting everyone, after the whole ceremony, I turned to take my leave, but stopped when I heard her call my name. As she came close, I could see her eyes were reddish and swollen, I felt sorry for her. And while she went on muttering how much she missed them, I had no idea when I said, “Maybe you needed them out of your way for you to figure out what to do with your life”.
Sincerely, I had no idea when I said that. I quickly apologized when I saw the mask of shock and confusion she wore on her face and hastily took my leave. I scolded myself for being so insensitive and allowing the inhumane part of me take control. That wasn’t the first time I had behaved like that, and it is because of this my insensitive nature I prefer to keep to myself, who knows what I might do next.
It is not as if I take pleasure in crisis or bad events that happens, it is just that, having been confused for a very long time on what to do with my life, it took a tragic event for me to finally figure out what my purpose in life was. It was like where everyone saw chaos and disaster, I saw something beautiful calling me to be someone beautiful. I still get that feeling.
At times, a part of me feels the need of chaotic events to provide me a sense of direction in life, and when most times I do get my wish, I find myself take gratification in the resulting occurrence. It is like I get to see a light in the darkness, a pattern in disorder, beauty in anarchy and a direction in disorganization. It feels like I could finally figure out what to do, drawing inspiration from the rumbles and shambles around, I feel the motivation to search out my purpose in this world, why I was made for this time and not the century before or the next, and my relevance in this intertwined world, but it comes at the cost of other people’s happiness and most times, if not always, my compassion for humanity is called to question.
I don’t know if there is a psychological term or medical term for this weird personality because I really don’t know how to control this feeling, but the most common term I have heard people call me is ‘Being Heartless’. And yes, I feel the same way about me. I mean, I know I don’t have a destructive personality, in fact all I want in life is clarity and serenity, but I fear myself most times when I grow cold in situations that often requires me to be a lot more humane. It is like my EQ is on the negative scale, and I find myself appreciating a moment of crisis than a lifetime of tranquility.
But indulge me for a moment.
What if all we need is a moment of disaster to remind us to always appreciate every moment of calmness? What if all we need is just one day to go wrong to remind us as humans, we have to improve? What if all we need is a little bit of chaos to remind us not to take for granted the beauty around us that has become so invisible to the eyes? Hey, this is not me supporting evil, but as humans, when we feel like everything is perfect and Okay, we allow laxity to creep in, taking for granted what ought not to be, and most times, we lose focus on what we are and who we are.
Think for a moment, most of us won’t appreciate those we have around us, well not until they are taken away from us, because we have grown so familiar with them that we quickly forget their relevance in our lives, and it takes their absence to realize it. Or maybe perhaps, we feel so comfortable with the good moments, that we require no effort whatsoever to be better. Well, that is good, but I believe life is a goldmine compared to these good moments.
Now you will probably think I am crazy, and you may ask, “Where then is the beauty in chaos”?
Don’t get me wrong, I love the good time and all that it entails, but in adversities, I get to discover Who I am, What I am made of, and what I must do. The good time may not provide me the chance to see the need of improvement or change, but chaos does.
Maybe I am a cold blooded individual with no emotional compass. Maybe I am just a heartless being harboring a destructive Personality. Maybe, I am, but I believe that, even though bad situations brings out the worst in humans, it also brings out the best in humans. Out of crisis and chaos, the beautiful ones are birthed. Talk about needing the darkness to appreciate a glimmer of light. And now, while people may go on to believe that the bad times are just bad, I still get to believe that these are moments when we become courageous, daring and ready to defy gravity. These are moments when we get to prove that we are stronger than we think. These are moments when we get to act differently. Moments when we become what we were designed for. Moments when we learn. It is bad situations like these we get to know those we have around us, those we must trust, and those we must cut. It is in chaotic moments we begin to learn how to recognize all the good we took for granted, all the little details we overlooked and the beauty we never really appreciated.
And if a moment of chaos doesn’t teach you anything, I still wonder what will.
I maybe crazy, heartless or harboring a destructive personality, but I still choose to believe, there is always beauty in chaos.