I got a call late last night; I can’t correctly remember what time it was, but the full moon that hung across the dark sky shone unhindered as silence reigned unperturbed. The wind blew softly as my eyes searched the entire heavens for a star, I was thinking about someone.
The buzz of my phone returned me to consciousness, just in time for me to retire to bed, prompting a big smile to hang at the corner of my lips. I was thinking about her.
Taking a brief pause, I exhaled heavily before answering the phone,
“Hey Blue, (not her real name) how are you?”
Truthfully, I was expecting a response so refreshing and soothing because this was someone I had been thinking about, but what I got made me quake in my boots as my body stiffened, causing my heart to skip a beat. Her voice was laced with heaviness, and I could sense the curly tentacles of regrets and remorse swirling around her breath as she asked me the most cryptic question I swear I won’t ever wish to hear again.
“Enddy”, she began, “How will you feel if you find out that everything you think you knew about me had been a lie?”
Now, I really don’t know if you can imagine what I must have been feeling or thinking at that point, because never in my life have I ever been so speechless and void of thinking as that moment; I couldn’t even recognize my surrounding as it felt like I had been slapped on the face. My thoughts were stuck in the air as I couldn’t even bring myself to utter a sound. To be sincere, I felt brain dead.
Blue was someone I had known or thought I had known for more than nine years. She was unique, different and did possess a very charming spirit. We’ve been so close, well, now that I think of it, apparently not that close, as I begin to imagine the possibility that I have been believing a lie all these while. And I speak of her in past tenses as I must, though very difficult, accept that the Blue I knew is not the Blue now.
I can still hear her soft voice, calling my name, begging me to say something, pleading me not to think ill about her because there’s a reason why she did what she did, and just like yesterday, I am still stuck in my thoughts.
And while it feels like my mind is being confined in a maze, there is one thing I do know, every saint was once a sinner, and who am I to pass a verdict on her when I know, deep down within me, for those secret things I have done, there is a grand jury I must face.
In life, there is one thing I can never forget, and that is, everyone has a secret and a reason for keeping that secret. I have always believed that secrets are kept for a reason, and most times, we keep these secrets, thinking that we are protecting those we love. And I also know that there is always a right time to open up to that person if you say you love and trust that person.
I have also come to know that some secrets are quite damning, and I also know, who am I to judge? I don’t know if your secret is as damming as mine or is life threatening as mine could be, but what I do know is that it is not my place to give a judgment on you. You have your secrets, and I can’t say I am totally innocent of the same crime, heck, mine may even be more damming than yours, but what I believe is, all that matters is what the heart thinks.
I don’t need to feel what you are feeling before I must care about you, rather, all I need to do is to care about you before feeling what you are feeling. And if I care about you, I must be bring myself to trust you, and in doing so, I must believe that you will be able to handle whatever I bring to you. And I don’t believe that it is in anyone’s place to judge another because your crime may be heavier than that person crime.
This is the only thing I know now.
And while this may be hard, I choose not to doubt the person I have come to know, even if it would require me to overlook some things. No matter who I meet tomorrow, today or whenever, all I can hope is for you to trust me.
Maybe she has her reasons for doing this, maybe to protect me from something, I just hope I get to know someday, but for now, who am I to judge?
And I do hope that one day, Blue would trust me enough to meet the real her, or better yet, I just hope that this is all a prank and that she will call me and say, “It is all over”.
Tell me, what would you think or do if you were in my shoes?